Look, I don’t know why he decided to stay behind me. And I definitely don’t know why I decided to listen to him. But here we are. LOL.

I’m honestly just curious—how exactly are today’s intelligence agencies training their new recruits? Are they using coloring books and YouTube tutorials now? I really hope this kid wasn’t a senior operative, because if he is, well… his country might as well hand over the keys, and he’ll probably be in danger faster than you can say “rookie mistake.”

Anyway, Lesson Number 1:

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BLEND IN!

When I say “blend in,” I mean BLEND IN. Not kinda blend in, not oops-I-forgot blend in, and definitely not stand-out-like-a-lighthouse-in-the-desert blend in.

Here’s how it works:

1. Arrive at the location 24 hours early if you couldn’t do your research beforehand.
2. Analyze the vibe of the street.
3. Buy clothes that match what you see around you.

• If it’s a homeless area, you’d better be homeless.
• If it’s an immigrant neighborhood, adopt their style—blend in, buddy.
• If you’re heading to the Ritz, make sure you look expensively bored.

But for the love of all things holy, DO NOT wear soft European leather shoes with tiny toe holes in a dirty neighborhood during December rains.

Come on, kid! That’s not blending in; that’s shouting, “Hi, I’m suspicious! Please rob me, stab me, or worse!”

And guess what? If you go down, you’re taking me, THE GENUINE one, NOT A SPY one, down with you.

So yeah, thanks for that. LOL.

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Lesson Number 2: Don’t Make It Worse

Already messed up with the shoes? Fine. Mistakes happen. But don’t you dare amplify it by carrying a matching soft leather backpack.

This isn’t a fashion show, baby boy. You’re not auditioning for Europe’s Next Top Spy.

You looked so preppy European fancy for the streets that I swear, if the gangsters don’t kill you, they’ll rob you just for looking like a walking paycheck. Your backpack alone is worth $300 easy.

Oh, and pro tip? No one wants a boy with size 45 European shoes. Not even the street workers. There’s a code for that. It’s called: “NO 45s.” They didn’t train you on that? What are they even teaching you kids these days?!

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Lesson Number 3: Stick to the Main Roads

Take the path that everyone else takes. The road. The street. The alley. Follow the crowd, always.

You know who uses the hidden alleys and back roads? The locals. You’re not a local, baby boy. Are you lost? Or just scared? Or maybe—just maybe—you’re so poorly trained that you thought sneaking around back would make you look stealthy?

Well, newsflash: it doesn’t. It makes you look stupid. Stupidity gets you killed. And when you get killed, you jeopardize the mission, the team, and an entire operation.

So stop it.

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Lesson Number 4: No Foreign Languages

Listen closely: NEVER SPEAK A FOREIGN LANGUAGE IN PUBLIC.
I don’t care if it’s behind someone or quietly into your collar mic—don’t do it.

Why? Because someone around you might just understand it. And do you know what they’ll do next? That’s right. They’ll remember your face.

And while we’re at it, stop whispering behind people too. It’s suspicious, and it makes you look like you’ve just watched too many bad spy movies.

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Final Words

If I think of more lessons, I’ll let you know.

But until then, BLEND IN! Or else you’re putting yourself, your team, the mission, innocent people, and quite possibly the fate of the world in jeopardy.

Seriously, though. These baby-boy recruits these days are so poorly trained, it’s embarrassing. Girls are way better at this. Yup, I said it. LOL.